Friday, January 30, 2009

Confused Rambings of a Night Owl

So I am up too late again, this is becoming a weird routine. I used to wish that I could be an early morning person, one of those people who went to bed early and woke up refreshed ready to seize the day in the morning. Instead I have become a person who is more comfortable awake when the sun is asleep. I know alot of this has to do with my current work situation, or more honestly my lack of work situation. I have been designing necklaces but that doesn't really require set hours.

I have suffered from sleep issues since I was a kid, I remember I had a whole year from the day I turned 10 until my 11th birthday, I was not able to sleep at night. The only exception was when I would sleep in my little sisters room, I was suffering from terrible reoccurring dreams.

Now I find myself suffering something very similar, only it is not a reoccurring nightmare, it is my inability to let go of the stress of the day. I get very panicky when I think about all the things in my life that I can't control. I stress about the direction my life has taken, I stress about poor decisions that I have made that are still affecting me and my family. I can feel my body tense up even right now as I think about these issues.

The hardest part about this time in my life right now is that I would rather hide than deal with anything. I would rather act like a child, I would rather put my head in the sand, I would rather daydream, anything other than deal with the reality of being an adult but I don't have this choice because my loving husband does not want to be married to a child. He wants a wife and a partner, I think he is being fair, I know I am not.

I get so overwhelmed by the enormity of life, the complexity of dealing with the relationships I am involved in. I know I am procrastinating and being lazy, I know I should be the early bird.

I just don't know how.

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