Tuesday, March 6, 2012

I Will Probably Regret This in the Morning

It is 11:30 p.m. PST.

The Kidlet went to bed around 9, Michael finally called it a night at 9:45 and I got the Little One down a little after 10. I know I should have laid down put on my iPod (with only one earbud in so I can hear if the Little One stirs in the co-sleeper next to me) and listened to This American Life or RadioLab or a meditation podcast but instead I am here.

I wandered around Pinterest, I changed my privacy settings. I also changed my privacy settings on Google, Mozilla and Facebook. While I am happy to share myself, I am cautious about what is out there for people to see. I want to be in control about what I choose to share on the interweb but that is a tangent.

I miss writing, I miss blogging, I miss having these little late nights because the Little One is always up by 7:30 a.m. and I am not a napper. I use her morning naps to shower and get some housework done that I don't want her to be involved with, like cleaning the bathrooms with bleach.

So much has changed, I don't regret a minute of it but sometimes my mind is overwhelmed trying to keep up with what might be an unrealistic ideal of motherhood. I gave up the notion of being super stepmother years ago but I am coming to terms with the idea that I cannot be the perfect mother I had in my head. My Little One loves Elmo, I know this because in a desperate attempt to have a few minutes I put an episode on the computer. I have also had Elmo's Song stuck in my head for around a month.

I was dead set on making all her baby food but it turns out she likes the stuff from the store. I still try to buy organic and I still make her a significant amount of homemade food but again, it was an ideal. I have never been a perfect housekeeper, kids make messes and while we live in a sanitary house we often live with differing levels of chaos. The Little One will eat the dog food if I am not watching closely and by not watching closely I mean turning my back to get a drink of water. I can pick up the food but then the poor dog never gets to eat because I forget to put it back down on the ground.

It is now 11:45 p.m. I am going to try to go lay down and prepare for tomorrow. All I can wish for is to enjoy every day that goes to quickly with my little girl and to sneak a few minutes to keep myself grounded.