Friday, January 30, 2009

The Elephant in the Room

I have accomplished a few things today that have been hanging over my head like a knife. The most important one frees me significantly and I feel almost giddy about it right now.

The less significant one is that today was my first full day of WW, this is my first time for joining any type of weight loss group outside of a gym. I am skeptical, not of the plan but of myself. I have started so many unfinished projects in my life that thinking about it makes me feel very ashamed. My house is a testament to unfinished art projects and only half finished baskets of laundry (cleaned not put away) I am a procrastinator of royal proportions.

My procrastinating has cause quite a bit of headaches for me in the last few years, even with all of that I am unsure of why I do it and how to stop. My fear with WW is that this will be another unfinished project and I will never live up to the person I know I can be.

Sometimes I wonder if it isn't a self fulfilling cycle of fear. I am afraid to fail so I sabotage things so that I can't "fail" while not realizing that my actions are what is causing me to fail. Of course I would love a wonder pill that could magically make me a better person but that in unrealistic and right now I need to deal in reality.

I know I did not get here overnight and I know it is going to take me a while to dust myself off and get back to where I need and want to be. I guess it is one bite at a time while I eat this elephant.

Confused Rambings of a Night Owl

So I am up too late again, this is becoming a weird routine. I used to wish that I could be an early morning person, one of those people who went to bed early and woke up refreshed ready to seize the day in the morning. Instead I have become a person who is more comfortable awake when the sun is asleep. I know alot of this has to do with my current work situation, or more honestly my lack of work situation. I have been designing necklaces but that doesn't really require set hours.

I have suffered from sleep issues since I was a kid, I remember I had a whole year from the day I turned 10 until my 11th birthday, I was not able to sleep at night. The only exception was when I would sleep in my little sisters room, I was suffering from terrible reoccurring dreams.

Now I find myself suffering something very similar, only it is not a reoccurring nightmare, it is my inability to let go of the stress of the day. I get very panicky when I think about all the things in my life that I can't control. I stress about the direction my life has taken, I stress about poor decisions that I have made that are still affecting me and my family. I can feel my body tense up even right now as I think about these issues.

The hardest part about this time in my life right now is that I would rather hide than deal with anything. I would rather act like a child, I would rather put my head in the sand, I would rather daydream, anything other than deal with the reality of being an adult but I don't have this choice because my loving husband does not want to be married to a child. He wants a wife and a partner, I think he is being fair, I know I am not.

I get so overwhelmed by the enormity of life, the complexity of dealing with the relationships I am involved in. I know I am procrastinating and being lazy, I know I should be the early bird.

I just don't know how.