Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Goodnight Moon

How Going Crazy Helped My Sanity

This post started before Thanksgiving. I was diagnosed with OCD Perfectionist type. In my world that meant in my head if I couldn't be perfect, I would just shut down and hide,my anxiety would sky rocket until I just shut down completely leading to depression, insomnia and fibromyalgia. Along with failed jobs, jobs I was fired from, a DUI and a car accident in which I was at fault, jailed until I OR'd because no one in my family would bail me out. I had 48 hours to realize I was an alcoholic. My family is prone to heart disease, asthma, obesity during the child bearing years, anger, pancreatic issues and liver issues. After having my gallbladder taken out because it was literally failing, it was under 5% function before I went to the doctor. Which was a total mistake because he was far too liberal with the pain meds and I became addicted. Addiction runs in my maternal line. Skin cancer, nutritional deficiencies and on and on and more and more. 

At the beginning of December my psychiatrist told me she was going to start treating my OCD aggressively. Understatement of the year! Things were coming through my head and coming up so quickly I felt like I was unraveling. Add in the stress of the holidays and finding out on Christmas Eve that my paternal grandmother was dying. I fell apart. I scrubbed almost every inch of my house while thinking about how deaths and trauma (physical and emotional) in my immediate family and friends (I have had many suicides of friends in my life) have caused so much trauma for me that I started looking for more and more unsafe ways to feel safe from death. My grandmother passed away January 4, 2016. I have had a few weeks to steady myself and find my peace on the knowledge that my stepson will be relocating to Tucson, AZ while my husband and I are almost certain we will move to Kingman, AZ at the end of summer. 

So this is where I am at right now. Some of you know but most people don't. I'm sorry this is so long and I am aware I don't have to explain myself but it helps so much to share this. If you get to the end I will be forever grateful for your love and attention. 

So I am working on ancestry stuff. I am tracing my families ancestry and it seems to be helping me a lot 

I am beginning to think that the energy of my ancestors visit me around the time of my birthday. I have found six ancestors who died in April. My great great grandmother actually died on my birthday 1986

Interesting for sure. I now know I have a genetic disposition to Alzheimer's and dementia. Everyone in my dad's family went a little loopy before they died. So I can have it set up that when that time comes I won't have to die alone. In practical senses it means I need to take care of me however works for me. I can wear affordable clothes that work for me. I am at peace with who I am. It also means taking my meds, getting enough sleep, having friends and hanging out with my internet friends whenever I can friends (ninjas, my moms group, old friends, new friends, family) basically I am fine slowing down my time and energy demands so I have more time to nurture the people in my life. 

My mom's dad died April 16, 1975. I was born April 14, 1980. I do believe I may be a large part of his energy. I am here to help my mom, her family, my dad, Krystal and Elise in life so they don't suffer the heart breaks and mistakes they made. 

It just feels like the puzzle pieces in my life are falling into place. I don't feel like I am unraveling anymore. I just have to trust myself about how to take care of myself. Even if it doesn't make 100% sense to the people I love but they are learning to trust me. 

And Maddie... I think she is Lana's mother's energy. She was an amazing care taker. Maddie has healed a lot of my pain. She's healed Michael's search for himself. He is an amazing husband, partner, friend, father and he inspires me everyday. All of her grandparents and even their spouses. 

But all this is craziness to me because I was an avowed Atheist for so long but it makes so much sense to me. I understand my fascination with traditional religions, like Catholcism, Luthern, Episcopalian, Paganism, even though I don't actually agree with everything they all preach. I go because religion doesn't have to set, it can be fluid and changing. I believe in science and the notion of energy not being able to be created or destroyed. So I believe that the people who loved us never really leave us. They want and often need to try to fix their mistakes in us, people they were loved by in life  I was telling my friend earlier "I can't be a hippie because I do nerdy ass shit. I do yoga at a women's Crossfit Gym, I make jewelry like fancy art nouveau stuff but I attend my hippie church, I dance in the moon light and the rain. Dancing makes me feel sexy. So does well fitting believe that people should be allowed to love whoever they love. I am a hardcore feminist, I love my cool lesbian friends even though I am totally attracted to an amazing spirit who just happens to reside in a mans body. Women's history. I love women's studies (especially the history) my grandfather's niece is a human sexuality professor at UNLV and a MFT who is highly respect. I hear people talk about her in the most random of places but I have never met anyone who dislikes her if they know her. She loves me and my daughter. She comes to birthdays and sometimes lets me hang out with and her girlfriend Jax (who is super cool too!) hang out with then without judging my crazy ideas and providing counsellors she can trust because she can't (and won't and I couldn't) have her counsel me. She is like the older sister I have never been able to have because my own older sister can't have a relation with me because she has hurt me so many times in so many ways, I can't trust her but I also do love her. I just wish she would respect me more so I could have in my life again. 

I smoke (I am getting medical card for my insomnia and fibromyalgia) I grow my own food, I am transitioning to ethically sourced food. I love earth based exercise, yoga, swimming in the river, camping and hiking. Nature, and kindness to nature ground me and allow me to grow me more as a person than anything else. I am having my hair go back towards natural. I only shave to my comfort level. I like to wear makeup but I prefer a natural look and often go out with a bare face.  I breastfed Maddie exclusively for a year and a half )she had stomach issues so I had to be totally lactose free. I still was 3-1/2 years later because she got sick and I wanted her to have the best nutrition available. I made almost all of her food until she was 3. I wore her skin to skin with a woven ring sling for the first 2 years, until I had my gallbladder removed. Then we moved onto SSC's. I have sold all my carriers except for our Folk Bird's toddler Tula (name dropping) I make hand woven ring slings for people. I bead mala's for people who I love. 

I like to clean as efficiently as I can with as many natural and effective products as I can. I recycle and compost I am a native Las Vegan with deep ties to my community. I have Choctaw, Comanche and Cherokee all in my blood lines. Maddie qualifies for the Cherokee tribal roles in Oklahoma. Her great great (?) grandmother was a healer, Maddie's love is amazing. 

Yes, I believe in science and peer reviewed research, I didn't have a home birth but I admire women who can and want too. I had what would be considered an elective Caesarian because I was so low on fluids (I had terrible nausea My whole pregnancy and in I was working part time, in school for dental assisting, and working on an internship full time in a dental office. I have never really worked as a dental assistant because Maddie was born less than a month later. My doctor wanted to induce me but after looking at the cold hard facts (dehydration, she had not dropped at all and I wasn't effaced) I chose to have a Caesarian the next day. So I don't believe that I am any less woman or mother because of it. I also believe that stepmothers and stepfathers can be amazing in a child's life as along as all parties involved always act in the children's best interest. No child has ever harmed by a respectful, caring relationship from sincere adults. The best mothers I have met use gentle parenting consistently, sure I don't think one swat on an appropriate area (hands, grabbing a kicking leg, maybe a seat on the tush (open handed over clothes) can be appropriate when a child is in clear and present danger. I believe in cuddling a frustrated toddler respecting children but also teaching them how to learn, give them the freedom to try out new things, even if it makes a mess or makes me nervous. I won't be here forever and I have to teach her to woman before I go. I love history and would like to start speaking for allows me to claim amateur historian while participating in historical learning question sessions) because my great great grandfather Pinkney Green Neal fought for the confederacy from Alabama 1861-1865. He lied on his military forms showing he was 18 but he was actually 14. He was a prisoner of war, both he and his wife were paid pensions which means I am eligible to join the UDC (United Daughters of the Confederacy) I don't agree with most of their opinions but it gives my reenacting a little more legitimacy. Give me a few days and I might be back to the revolutionary war. Which would mean I could be eligible for DAR (Daughter of the Revolutionary War) again more for me to give talks about as an amateur historian.

It takes me a lot to make friends, hanging out? Awkward until I really get to know you, meaning I get to know who you are and you get to know me. Dating was a nightmare. Grabbing coffee with friends? Ok. Hanging out with someone I just met? There had better be delicious food. Talking on the phone? A little easier. Texts? Much better! Mailing beautiful crafts for people and have them send notes or something of their own creation? Perfect! Making handmade things, in exchange for something handmade by them? Priceless. 

Maybe it's weird but I haven't been this comfortable in my own skin in a long time. Before the OCD Perfectionism and anxiety in my head caused me to shut down and be depressed. 

I am only back to my great great parents, still working on family here in the US. Once I get to a non American I have stopped for now and moved on to the people here. I am excited to see what other things I find once I get out of the country. 

My grandmother had a lot of pictures of people and my dad's uncle has traced their paternal lines back to Davey Crockett. This is the nerdiest stuff I have done in years. This is my equivalent of running a marathon 😂😂

So baby! My dad had his DNA tested and an account. He wanted to know more about his dad because he wasn't super involved in his life. I only met the man once or twice. My dad has to get me some pictures and a book his Uncle Lee wrote with the family history in it. I got pretty far back on his mom. I have also started researching my sister and BIL family (both of BIL's parents were adopted) he's going to do the DNA sample. I have Maddie's grandparents started, Michael's family. My mom's family all the way back to Ireland and Poland. This is all I have accomplished in 24 hours. Think about what i can find before I get bored in a week or two?

So here "I" am. It's like the best form of therapy for me. I don't have to go talk to a counselor (although I think seeing a marital counselor and a personal therapist are great ideas in the near future. Like as we prepare to move out of my hometown)  I just hope this post helps one person know they aren't alone or judged or crazy.  Love me or hate me ✌🏼️