Sunday, February 7, 2016

Springs Sprung!

Now it's spring and I am so ready
for the springtime. I have been growing my vegetables, trying to eat more fruit, vegetables and overall a more plant based diet. This weekend I ate more meat than intended and I can totally feel it now. I m sluggish, not motivated to create art. I did however create a ring sling for my friend to try and see if she likes it. 

More water
More sunshine
More health
Time to grow!
Slough off that old growth and reach for the sun. 

I feel like a young fawn trying their legs for the first time, I am clumsy and messy but I am standing on my own. It may not be pretty but it's genuine. 

It's not perfect, but it's me. 

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Goodnight Moon

How Going Crazy Helped My Sanity

This post started before Thanksgiving. I was diagnosed with OCD Perfectionist type. In my world that meant in my head if I couldn't be perfect, I would just shut down and hide,my anxiety would sky rocket until I just shut down completely leading to depression, insomnia and fibromyalgia. Along with failed jobs, jobs I was fired from, a DUI and a car accident in which I was at fault, jailed until I OR'd because no one in my family would bail me out. I had 48 hours to realize I was an alcoholic. My family is prone to heart disease, asthma, obesity during the child bearing years, anger, pancreatic issues and liver issues. After having my gallbladder taken out because it was literally failing, it was under 5% function before I went to the doctor. Which was a total mistake because he was far too liberal with the pain meds and I became addicted. Addiction runs in my maternal line. Skin cancer, nutritional deficiencies and on and on and more and more. 

At the beginning of December my psychiatrist told me she was going to start treating my OCD aggressively. Understatement of the year! Things were coming through my head and coming up so quickly I felt like I was unraveling. Add in the stress of the holidays and finding out on Christmas Eve that my paternal grandmother was dying. I fell apart. I scrubbed almost every inch of my house while thinking about how deaths and trauma (physical and emotional) in my immediate family and friends (I have had many suicides of friends in my life) have caused so much trauma for me that I started looking for more and more unsafe ways to feel safe from death. My grandmother passed away January 4, 2016. I have had a few weeks to steady myself and find my peace on the knowledge that my stepson will be relocating to Tucson, AZ while my husband and I are almost certain we will move to Kingman, AZ at the end of summer. 

So this is where I am at right now. Some of you know but most people don't. I'm sorry this is so long and I am aware I don't have to explain myself but it helps so much to share this. If you get to the end I will be forever grateful for your love and attention. 

So I am working on ancestry stuff. I am tracing my families ancestry and it seems to be helping me a lot 

I am beginning to think that the energy of my ancestors visit me around the time of my birthday. I have found six ancestors who died in April. My great great grandmother actually died on my birthday 1986

Interesting for sure. I now know I have a genetic disposition to Alzheimer's and dementia. Everyone in my dad's family went a little loopy before they died. So I can have it set up that when that time comes I won't have to die alone. In practical senses it means I need to take care of me however works for me. I can wear affordable clothes that work for me. I am at peace with who I am. It also means taking my meds, getting enough sleep, having friends and hanging out with my internet friends whenever I can friends (ninjas, my moms group, old friends, new friends, family) basically I am fine slowing down my time and energy demands so I have more time to nurture the people in my life. 

My mom's dad died April 16, 1975. I was born April 14, 1980. I do believe I may be a large part of his energy. I am here to help my mom, her family, my dad, Krystal and Elise in life so they don't suffer the heart breaks and mistakes they made. 

It just feels like the puzzle pieces in my life are falling into place. I don't feel like I am unraveling anymore. I just have to trust myself about how to take care of myself. Even if it doesn't make 100% sense to the people I love but they are learning to trust me. 

And Maddie... I think she is Lana's mother's energy. She was an amazing care taker. Maddie has healed a lot of my pain. She's healed Michael's search for himself. He is an amazing husband, partner, friend, father and he inspires me everyday. All of her grandparents and even their spouses. 

But all this is craziness to me because I was an avowed Atheist for so long but it makes so much sense to me. I understand my fascination with traditional religions, like Catholcism, Luthern, Episcopalian, Paganism, even though I don't actually agree with everything they all preach. I go because religion doesn't have to set, it can be fluid and changing. I believe in science and the notion of energy not being able to be created or destroyed. So I believe that the people who loved us never really leave us. They want and often need to try to fix their mistakes in us, people they were loved by in life  I was telling my friend earlier "I can't be a hippie because I do nerdy ass shit. I do yoga at a women's Crossfit Gym, I make jewelry like fancy art nouveau stuff but I attend my hippie church, I dance in the moon light and the rain. Dancing makes me feel sexy. So does well fitting believe that people should be allowed to love whoever they love. I am a hardcore feminist, I love my cool lesbian friends even though I am totally attracted to an amazing spirit who just happens to reside in a mans body. Women's history. I love women's studies (especially the history) my grandfather's niece is a human sexuality professor at UNLV and a MFT who is highly respect. I hear people talk about her in the most random of places but I have never met anyone who dislikes her if they know her. She loves me and my daughter. She comes to birthdays and sometimes lets me hang out with and her girlfriend Jax (who is super cool too!) hang out with then without judging my crazy ideas and providing counsellors she can trust because she can't (and won't and I couldn't) have her counsel me. She is like the older sister I have never been able to have because my own older sister can't have a relation with me because she has hurt me so many times in so many ways, I can't trust her but I also do love her. I just wish she would respect me more so I could have in my life again. 

I smoke (I am getting medical card for my insomnia and fibromyalgia) I grow my own food, I am transitioning to ethically sourced food. I love earth based exercise, yoga, swimming in the river, camping and hiking. Nature, and kindness to nature ground me and allow me to grow me more as a person than anything else. I am having my hair go back towards natural. I only shave to my comfort level. I like to wear makeup but I prefer a natural look and often go out with a bare face.  I breastfed Maddie exclusively for a year and a half )she had stomach issues so I had to be totally lactose free. I still was 3-1/2 years later because she got sick and I wanted her to have the best nutrition available. I made almost all of her food until she was 3. I wore her skin to skin with a woven ring sling for the first 2 years, until I had my gallbladder removed. Then we moved onto SSC's. I have sold all my carriers except for our Folk Bird's toddler Tula (name dropping) I make hand woven ring slings for people. I bead mala's for people who I love. 

I like to clean as efficiently as I can with as many natural and effective products as I can. I recycle and compost I am a native Las Vegan with deep ties to my community. I have Choctaw, Comanche and Cherokee all in my blood lines. Maddie qualifies for the Cherokee tribal roles in Oklahoma. Her great great (?) grandmother was a healer, Maddie's love is amazing. 

Yes, I believe in science and peer reviewed research, I didn't have a home birth but I admire women who can and want too. I had what would be considered an elective Caesarian because I was so low on fluids (I had terrible nausea My whole pregnancy and in I was working part time, in school for dental assisting, and working on an internship full time in a dental office. I have never really worked as a dental assistant because Maddie was born less than a month later. My doctor wanted to induce me but after looking at the cold hard facts (dehydration, she had not dropped at all and I wasn't effaced) I chose to have a Caesarian the next day. So I don't believe that I am any less woman or mother because of it. I also believe that stepmothers and stepfathers can be amazing in a child's life as along as all parties involved always act in the children's best interest. No child has ever harmed by a respectful, caring relationship from sincere adults. The best mothers I have met use gentle parenting consistently, sure I don't think one swat on an appropriate area (hands, grabbing a kicking leg, maybe a seat on the tush (open handed over clothes) can be appropriate when a child is in clear and present danger. I believe in cuddling a frustrated toddler respecting children but also teaching them how to learn, give them the freedom to try out new things, even if it makes a mess or makes me nervous. I won't be here forever and I have to teach her to woman before I go. I love history and would like to start speaking for allows me to claim amateur historian while participating in historical learning question sessions) because my great great grandfather Pinkney Green Neal fought for the confederacy from Alabama 1861-1865. He lied on his military forms showing he was 18 but he was actually 14. He was a prisoner of war, both he and his wife were paid pensions which means I am eligible to join the UDC (United Daughters of the Confederacy) I don't agree with most of their opinions but it gives my reenacting a little more legitimacy. Give me a few days and I might be back to the revolutionary war. Which would mean I could be eligible for DAR (Daughter of the Revolutionary War) again more for me to give talks about as an amateur historian.

It takes me a lot to make friends, hanging out? Awkward until I really get to know you, meaning I get to know who you are and you get to know me. Dating was a nightmare. Grabbing coffee with friends? Ok. Hanging out with someone I just met? There had better be delicious food. Talking on the phone? A little easier. Texts? Much better! Mailing beautiful crafts for people and have them send notes or something of their own creation? Perfect! Making handmade things, in exchange for something handmade by them? Priceless. 

Maybe it's weird but I haven't been this comfortable in my own skin in a long time. Before the OCD Perfectionism and anxiety in my head caused me to shut down and be depressed. 

I am only back to my great great parents, still working on family here in the US. Once I get to a non American I have stopped for now and moved on to the people here. I am excited to see what other things I find once I get out of the country. 

My grandmother had a lot of pictures of people and my dad's uncle has traced their paternal lines back to Davey Crockett. This is the nerdiest stuff I have done in years. This is my equivalent of running a marathon 😂😂

So baby! My dad had his DNA tested and an account. He wanted to know more about his dad because he wasn't super involved in his life. I only met the man once or twice. My dad has to get me some pictures and a book his Uncle Lee wrote with the family history in it. I got pretty far back on his mom. I have also started researching my sister and BIL family (both of BIL's parents were adopted) he's going to do the DNA sample. I have Maddie's grandparents started, Michael's family. My mom's family all the way back to Ireland and Poland. This is all I have accomplished in 24 hours. Think about what i can find before I get bored in a week or two?

So here "I" am. It's like the best form of therapy for me. I don't have to go talk to a counselor (although I think seeing a marital counselor and a personal therapist are great ideas in the near future. Like as we prepare to move out of my hometown)  I just hope this post helps one person know they aren't alone or judged or crazy.  Love me or hate me ✌🏼️

Friday, January 17, 2014

Sneaking in my Sister's Window

I know I neglect this blog and my writing too often. This blog has always been home to me, no matter what other writing projects may come and go, I always come back to this one, to write, to bare my heart and to make myself laugh at how witty I think I am. 

I am hoping to quietly get back into writing here. I had such hopes and aspirations for this blog, but I have gotten distracted more then once and I am afraid it seems choppy and doesn't flow. I will be doing some work here over the next few days and then I will relaunch. Without much fanfare but just so things don't seem so choppy and difficult to understand. 

Maybe I will play with a new layout while I am at it. 

In the meantime, it's good to be home. 

Monday, December 17, 2012

Timely and Informative

So many are going through so much with the Newtown Tragedy still in the hearts and on the minds of our nation and the world. I am not here to discuss and debate gun control, although I believe in sane gun laws (in the state of NV, if legislation passes requiring pseudophedrine to be dispensed by prescription only, it will be easier to legally purchase a rifle then it will be to purchase Sufafed) I am not even going to talk about how, yet again, our countries lack of mental health services has failed another disturbed individual.

To catch you up on the last few months of my life would be difficult given my only thinly veiled attempts at hiding my real identity. If you know me in real life you know how mental illness and substance use/misuse/abuse have been affecting our family. During this time we have also dealt with tragedy of losing two friends to suicide. I have strong feelings about mental health care but no more answers then anyone else. I am also not willing to use the Newtown tragedy and the loss of so many precious lives to drive readers to my little blog.

What I want to talk about is the worst gift you can ever give to the mother of a young child and how ultimately that gift changed my life at its very core.

When my little one turned a whole year old, we had a party for family and friends. It was monster themed, my sister made the cake and my little one ran around in a tutu. A friend of ours gave me the gift of a month at a local hot yoga studio. First, I had never ever heard of hot yoga or Bikram yoga. Second, giving any woman, especially a new mother, the gift of a workout or workout equipment is usually interpreted as meaning that the giver believes the giftee is fat and needs to lose weight because everyone is sick of looking at the giftee's jiggly belly and flat, saggy butt (at least this is how I initially interpreted this gift, after faking pleasure at receiving it of course) did I mention that the giver is single? Cause shockingly, he totally is (maybe because he makes a habit of giving workouts as gifts) joking (kind of) in the sake of honesty I have to say that the giver is a sweet guy, who gave me this gift because Michael and I rock climb and he had found that hot or Bikram yoga helped him with his flexibility, recovery and strength in regards to his climbs. None the less he is single and if you are living in Afghanistan and looking to meet a guy let me know, I could set you up (long distance wing-womaning, I should totally get props for that one)

I attended my first Bikram yoga class at Bikram Yoga Summerlin that next week. The first week was pure torture. I was sick, very sick, I hurt all over. I was sore and I didn't want to go back. I was experiencing a health crisis, but I also really believed that I needed to make some changes so I trudged onward. The studio was amazing, warm not in the physical sense, it was HOT in the physical sense (Bikram
Yoga is practiced in a 105 degree room with 40% humidity) beautiful; artwork, couches, paintings, gorgeous lithe men and women walking around barely clothed like super attractive cats wearing less then bathing suits. There was love and immediately my cynical side started to look for flaws.

I attended classes 12 times in my first month. At the end of my gift month I knew I wanted to continue with this practice, although I still had times of loathing it deeply. I was mistrustful of Bikram as an individual, I had read some disturbing stories on the Internet about militant instructors and injuries caused by the encouragement to push yourself further, I read about sloppy postures never being corrected, I read about heat exhaustion, dehydration and what ultimately always is a major complaint is Bikram Choudhury's financial success and the disagreement about how he runs the studios bearing his name. But after my first week I started leaving classes feeling renewed, like a dirty sponge wrung out, everything dirty and messed up was left in the sweat on my towels, my clothes and the studio floor. I continued to go semi regularly until the beginning of October.

In October my studio had a 30 classes in 30 days challenge. After practicing for for around 4 months I was seeing my body change and thought I would attempt the challenge. Michael and I talked about how I would fit in the various classes, who would watch the kids while I was attempting this and what I would need to achieve this. I read inspirational blogs of people attempting 30 and 60 day challenges, I followed people on Instagram who were regularly practicing or attending the Fall 2012 Bikram Yoga Teacher Training in Los Angeles. I was pumped, I was set and I started. 30 days to change your body, 60 days to change your life.

I failed. 5 days into the challenge I became dehydrated, I then fell while carrying the baby and sprained my wrist. Lastly, and most emotionally taxing, Michael and I dealt with the tragedy of losing a close friend; an amazing person, a wonderful musician, a talented artist and tattoo artist, a wise, hilarious guy with a goofy, dry sense of humor.

I failed completely and my shame and pride kept me out of the studio for almost 2 months. During my recent trip to visit Bean and her little Beanstalk, I started having dreams about my studio and my instructors. I missed them, I actually missed the hot, torture box. When I came home I drug my jet lagged butt to class. I had thrown my back out on my trip, it hurt to lay down, it hurt to breathe, it hurt to carry and run through Houston International airport with carry on luggage, wearing a 20 pound, 18 month old. That first class was painful and healing. My second was better and full of light and love, which was a blessing because of the events our nation went through on Friday. My vibrant instructor Lacey told us to hug someone important to us that day, full of doubt and wondering if she would think I was weird I hugged her as I left, she had no idea how important to me she has become.

So it is with renewed faith I start my Bikram practice again. I am less cynical but I will always struggle to quiet my monkey mind who wants to compare and pick apart my fellow classmates for being better, more attractive, thinner, more flexible, stronger or wearing nicer workout clothes then me.

I will still question Bikram as a man but I have never blindly followed anyone or anything. I don't believe "Doubting" Thomas was a bad thing (another post for another day) I am finding inspiration from the people around me and working on radical self love and acceptance.

"You’re never too old, never too bad, never too late and never too sick to start from the scratch once again." -Bikram Choudhury

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

I Got 99 Problems...

I am getting ready to post my 100th picture to Instagram. This is a very minor milestone in my life right now.

Babyness is walking, she has 6 teeth, uses some basic home signs and is starting to copy noises and sounds she hears. For example we sing the song "Lil Red Riding Hood" to her and she has picked up on the howl and joins in on it. Her biggest milestone is coming, she will be a year old next month.

The Kidlet is graduating 4th grade, finished baseball and is starting basketball.

Michael and I will celebrate 9 years of being together on the 30th of this month.

So many milestones I would to celebrate with my 100th post and I fear I will end up posting a naked baby picture or something mundane but exciting to me like a clean sink or a pile of folded laundry.

These are definitely 1st world problems.

If you want to follow me on Instagram I am Thimbleful.

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Sleep and Dream

The Little One is asleep in her bassinet next to me. Everyday she grows in ways I never dreamed I would be privy to watching.

Words are often not enough.

You can follow me now on Instagram I am thimbleful.