How Going Crazy Helped My Sanity

This post started before Thanksgiving. I was diagnosed with OCD Perfectionist type. In my world that meant in my head if I couldn't be perfect, I would just shut down and hide,my anxiety would sky rocket until I just shut down completely leading to depression, insomnia and fibromyalgia. Along with failed jobs, jobs I was fired from, a DUI and a car accident in which I was at fault, jailed until I OR'd because no one in my family would bail me out. I had 48 hours to realize I was an alcoholic. My family is prone to heart disease, asthma, obesity during the child bearing years, anger, pancreatic issues and liver issues. After having my gallbladder taken out because it was literally failing, it was under 5% function before I went to the doctor. Which was a total mistake because he was far too liberal with the pain meds and I became addicted. Addiction runs in my maternal line. Skin cancer, nutritional deficiencies and on and on and more and more. 

At the beginning of December my psychiatrist told me she was going to start treating my OCD aggressively. Understatement of the year! Things were coming through my head and coming up so quickly I felt like I was unraveling. Add in the stress of the holidays and finding out on Christmas Eve that my paternal grandmother was dying. I fell apart. I scrubbed almost every inch of my house while thinking about how deaths and trauma (physical and emotional) in my immediate family and friends (I have had many suicides of friends in my life) have caused so much trauma for me that I started looking for more and more unsafe ways to feel safe from death. My grandmother passed away January 4, 2016. I have had a few weeks to steady myself and find my peace on the knowledge that my stepson will be relocating to Tucson, AZ while my husband and I are almost certain we will move to Kingman, AZ at the end of summer. 

So this is where I am at right now. Some of you know but most people don't. I'm sorry this is so long and I am aware I don't have to explain myself but it helps so much to share this. If you get to the end I will be forever grateful for your love and attention. 

So I am working on ancestry stuff. I am tracing my families ancestry and it seems to be helping me a lot 

I am beginning to think that the energy of my ancestors visit me around the time of my birthday. I have found six ancestors who died in April. My great great grandmother actually died on my birthday 1986

Interesting for sure. I now know I have a genetic disposition to Alzheimer's and dementia. Everyone in my dad's family went a little loopy before they died. So I can have it set up that when that time comes I won't have to die alone. In practical senses it means I need to take care of me however works for me. I can wear affordable clothes that work for me. I am at peace with who I am. It also means taking my meds, getting enough sleep, having friends and hanging out with my internet friends whenever I can friends (ninjas, my moms group, old friends, new friends, family) basically I am fine slowing down my time and energy demands so I have more time to nurture the people in my life. 

My mom's dad died April 16, 1975. I was born April 14, 1980. I do believe I may be a large part of his energy. I am here to help my mom, her family, my dad, Krystal and Elise in life so they don't suffer the heart breaks and mistakes they made. 

It just feels like the puzzle pieces in my life are falling into place. I don't feel like I am unraveling anymore. I just have to trust myself about how to take care of myself. Even if it doesn't make 100% sense to the people I love but they are learning to trust me. 

And Maddie... I think she is Lana's mother's energy. She was an amazing care taker. Maddie has healed a lot of my pain. She's healed Michael's search for himself. He is an amazing husband, partner, friend, father and he inspires me everyday. All of her grandparents and even their spouses. 

But all this is craziness to me because I was an avowed Atheist for so long but it makes so much sense to me. I understand my fascination with traditional religions, like Catholcism, Luthern, Episcopalian, Paganism, even though I don't actually agree with everything they all preach. I go because religion doesn't have to set, it can be fluid and changing. I believe in science and the notion of energy not being able to be created or destroyed. So I believe that the people who loved us never really leave us. They want and often need to try to fix their mistakes in us, people they were loved by in life  I was telling my friend earlier "I can't be a hippie because I do nerdy ass shit. I do yoga at a women's Crossfit Gym, I make jewelry like fancy art nouveau stuff but I attend my hippie church, I dance in the moon light and the rain. Dancing makes me feel sexy. So does well fitting lingerie.bi believe that people should be allowed to love whoever they love. I am a hardcore feminist, I love my cool lesbian friends even though I am totally attracted to an amazing spirit who just happens to reside in a mans body. Women's history. I love women's studies (especially the history) my grandfather's niece is a human sexuality professor at UNLV and a MFT who is highly respect. I hear people talk about her in the most random of places but I have never met anyone who dislikes her if they know her. She loves me and my daughter. She comes to birthdays and sometimes lets me hang out with and her girlfriend Jax (who is super cool too!) hang out with then without judging my crazy ideas and providing counsellors she can trust because she can't (and won't and I couldn't) have her counsel me. She is like the older sister I have never been able to have because my own older sister can't have a relation with me because she has hurt me so many times in so many ways, I can't trust her but I also do love her. I just wish she would respect me more so I could have in my life again. 

I smoke (I am getting medical card for my insomnia and fibromyalgia) I grow my own food, I am transitioning to ethically sourced food. I love earth based exercise, yoga, swimming in the river, camping and hiking. Nature, and kindness to nature ground me and allow me to grow me more as a person than anything else. I am having my hair go back towards natural. I only shave to my comfort level. I like to wear makeup but I prefer a natural look and often go out with a bare face.  I breastfed Maddie exclusively for a year and a half )she had stomach issues so I had to be totally lactose free. I still was 3-1/2 years later because she got sick and I wanted her to have the best nutrition available. I made almost all of her food until she was 3. I wore her skin to skin with a woven ring sling for the first 2 years, until I had my gallbladder removed. Then we moved onto SSC's. I have sold all my carriers except for our Folk Bird's toddler Tula (name dropping) I make hand woven ring slings for people. I bead mala's for people who I love. 

I like to clean as efficiently as I can with as many natural and effective products as I can. I recycle and compost I am a native Las Vegan with deep ties to my community. I have Choctaw, Comanche and Cherokee all in my blood lines. Maddie qualifies for the Cherokee tribal roles in Oklahoma. Her great great (?) grandmother was a healer, Maddie's love is amazing. 

Yes, I believe in science and peer reviewed research, I didn't have a home birth but I admire women who can and want too. I had what would be considered an elective Caesarian because I was so low on fluids (I had terrible nausea My whole pregnancy and in I was working part time, in school for dental assisting, and working on an internship full time in a dental office. I have never really worked as a dental assistant because Maddie was born less than a month later. My doctor wanted to induce me but after looking at the cold hard facts (dehydration, she had not dropped at all and I wasn't effaced) I chose to have a Caesarian the next day. So I don't believe that I am any less woman or mother because of it. I also believe that stepmothers and stepfathers can be amazing in a child's life as along as all parties involved always act in the children's best interest. No child has ever harmed by a respectful, caring relationship from sincere adults. The best mothers I have met use gentle parenting consistently, sure I don't think one swat on an appropriate area (hands, grabbing a kicking leg, maybe a seat on the tush (open handed over clothes) can be appropriate when a child is in clear and present danger. I believe in cuddling a frustrated toddler respecting children but also teaching them how to learn, give them the freedom to try out new things, even if it makes a mess or makes me nervous. I won't be here forever and I have to teach her to woman before I go. I love history and would like to start speaking for allows me to claim amateur historian while participating in historical learning question sessions) because my great great grandfather Pinkney Green Neal fought for the confederacy from Alabama 1861-1865. He lied on his military forms showing he was 18 but he was actually 14. He was a prisoner of war, both he and his wife were paid pensions which means I am eligible to join the UDC (United Daughters of the Confederacy) I don't agree with most of their opinions but it gives my reenacting a little more legitimacy. Give me a few days and I might be back to the revolutionary war. Which would mean I could be eligible for DAR (Daughter of the Revolutionary War) again more for me to give talks about as an amateur historian.

It takes me a lot to make friends, hanging out? Awkward until I really get to know you, meaning I get to know who you are and you get to know me. Dating was a nightmare. Grabbing coffee with friends? Ok. Hanging out with someone I just met? There had better be delicious food. Talking on the phone? A little easier. Texts? Much better! Mailing beautiful crafts for people and have them send notes or something of their own creation? Perfect! Making handmade things, in exchange for something handmade by them? Priceless. 

Maybe it's weird but I haven't been this comfortable in my own skin in a long time. Before the OCD Perfectionism and anxiety in my head caused me to shut down and be depressed. 

I am only back to my great great parents, still working on family here in the US. Once I get to a non American I have stopped for now and moved on to the people here. I am excited to see what other things I find once I get out of the country. 

My grandmother had a lot of pictures of people and my dad's uncle has traced their paternal lines back to Davey Crockett. This is the nerdiest stuff I have done in years. This is my equivalent of running a marathon 😂😂

So Ancestry.com baby! My dad had his DNA tested and an account. He wanted to know more about his dad because he wasn't super involved in his life. I only met the man once or twice. My dad has to get me some pictures and a book his Uncle Lee wrote with the family history in it. I got pretty far back on his mom. I have also started researching my sister and BIL family (both of BIL's parents were adopted) he's going to do the DNA sample. I have Maddie's grandparents started, Michael's family. My mom's family all the way back to Ireland and Poland. This is all I have accomplished in 24 hours. Think about what i can find before I get bored in a week or two?

So here "I" am. It's like the best form of therapy for me. I don't have to go talk to a counselor (although I think seeing a marital counselor and a personal therapist are great ideas in the near future. Like as we prepare to move out of my hometown)  I just hope this post helps one person know they aren't alone or judged or crazy.  Love me or hate me ✌🏼️

Hours in a Day

Overwhelmed, that is how I am feeling right now.

I am down to my last 6 weeks for this semester (budget cuts mean no summer school) I will return to being a student in the fall. While I am excited and proud to be at this point, I am also stressed, the work is getting harder and we have begun practicing on each other in our labs.

Which on a side note, have I mentioned how wonderful my lab partner is? She is, we will call her Hummingbird, she rocks for a variety of reasons, the least of which is allowing me to stick my fingers in her mouth and quasi-gag her a few time on Monday while trying to take an impression of her teeth. She is a good sport and honestly becoming a good friend.

Work is good, I am over the initial nervousness but now I am faced with knowing a little but not enough to always feel totally confident on the selling floor. The management team at my store has been really supportive and it makes learning and working a very pleasant experience.

But it still takes time; I am lucky to be working but the added hours along with studying, homework, driving, sleeping, showering, eating, and trying to tread water as a housekeeper, wife and stepmum leave me quite exhausted.

I know this blog is suffering, its not that I am not thinking about you, writing blogs while I should be straightening out tables of undergarments. Reminding myself to remember this funny story that happened in class to share with you. Text messaging myself random dental facts that I think you would like to hear about. You guys are on my mind often but then I get home and all the activity of the day leaves me overwhelmed and I have to sit quietly and let the buzzing trickle out of my brain enough for me to get some sleep to start over the next day.

I will try to make you guys a priority one day a week, I would love to show you the flowers we planted, or how we are redoing the Rapscallions bathroom (a project I was trying to finish before the in-laws arrived) since super-sister-in-law is arriving tomorrow I am hoping that they are ok with my half finished projects because once they get here I want to spend all my time cuddling with their finished project, my little nephew.

A Short Post

I had so much fun with Mamarazzi's swap I have decided to do another one, fly on over to ShortMama's at a Family of Shorts and get involved! You never know you could be paired with me!

These are a few of my favorite things...

I was a part of Mamarazzi's Favorite Things swap this week, during the swap we were paired up with another blogger. We were supposed to fill a box with our favorite things, it should reflect who we are as people and as bloggers, it should be a box we would be thrilled to open. I mailed it This week to my swap buddy Roxane from It Really Is, All About Me.

I got her package on Tuesday, she is a planner and knew she would be out of town, so she thought ahead and mailed her package on Friday before heading to DC. I don't plan ahead quite the same and I got it to the post office but missed the Saturday truck, so I have been waiting for confirmation from Roxane that she received my package. I thought it would be fun to publish our post in a similar time fashion.

This was sitting and waiting for me Tuesday

Just a peek inside

Look at her attention to detail! So cute!

1. Seven with Brad Pitt, yummy! Nothing with him in it could ever scare me.

2. Roxane said every queen needs a mirror, every good Wikked Stepmother needs a mirror also!

3. Eyelash curler, wonderful beauty pick and one of my favorites. If you aren't using one go out and buy one... right now!

4. A guide to visiting Disney World, so many fantasy, reading it is like a mental vacation.

5. List, list, list, lists, living with adult ADD has make me a compulsive lister, I love pretty paper to list on.

6. Lavender body wash, smells great and so relaxing!

7. Burt's Bee's energizing soap, I had never used this before the swap and I have found a new favorite, I love the smell and the way it makes me feel so clean!

8. Oops, I mixed up 3 and 8... 3 was a box of nerds... hey if you are what you eat (I am cheap and easy)

9. Burt's Bee's chapstick, love, love, love it!

10. Chocolate

11. More chocolate

12. A brown Pashmina, apparently Oprah owns one also, I am styling!

13. A little gnome friend who is now living in the Pothos of friendship!

Favorite Things

I have joined Mamarazzi's Favorite Things Swap!

I will be partnered up with another blogger and swap a package with our favorite things. I am excited to be a part of this for a couple of reasons:

#1 Dandelion Wishes is a blog I have enjoyed for while, Mamarazzi is a strong woman and I respect her for organizing this swap after everything she has been through this year.

#2 I love the sense of community that blogging and the Internet can have. I love meeting new people, hearing their stories and getting to know them. This swap really is one of my favorite things!

I will update more as more becomes known to me.

Drive-In Night

We still have a drive-in movie theatre here, it isn't in the best area of town and unfortunately it sits directly next to a small airport. That has never been an issue until Saturday night, when our screen was directly in front of the runway and we got to watch small airplanes take off 3 times during our movies. I am complaining but I am not, I am glad we have a drive-in and in a town that knocks down anything that has been around for a while, I am even happier we have kept this piece of nostalgia.

We met up with a bunch of friends to watch Where the Wild Things Are, it was a double feature with AstroBoy.

Prices at the drive-in are great, like a matinee at a regular theatre. All movies are double features, which for us was great this weekend, since Where the Wild Things Are bored the pants off the kids, but I really enjoyed it. It just had more serious themes than the kids were interested in. The kids really enjoyed Astroboy.

Seriously, we lost the Rapscallion 10 minutes into the film, he spent the rest of the film trying to climb up the screen and complaining that there wasn't anything to eat. There was plenty to eat, I have to say this before my mom calls me to say "you know he is a growing boy", sorry let me correct that, there was plenty to eat that didn't cost $4.50 and we brought it with us, but you know kids, the more it costs, the more they want it, until they take one bite and decide they are full and want to go try to climb the screen again. I brought: PB&J, lemonade, YoGo's, oranges and frozen Go-Gurts for each one of them.

Kids are $1 to get in so we brought the Rapscallions best friend, I highly suggest this if you have the slightest desire to watch any of the movies playing. They are a great team and just old enough to go to the bathroom without me having to stand outside the door. Plus everything is more fun with your friends, that's why we met up with ours that night.

You bring your own food, drinks and chairs, they do ask that you refrain from bringing barbeque's and smokers but everything else is kosher. We set up blankets in the trunk of the jeep for the boys, the theatre broadcasts the movies sound over your FM radio dial, we don't have a radio in the jeep so a friend was kind enough to bring a boom-box (does anyone even say boom-box anymore) so we could have sound.

We met up with about half a dozen friends and took over one whole row so we could keep an eye on our kids while still talking and hanging out. It was fun. I highly recommend the drive-in as a fun, somewhat cheap evening out. They do have a concession stand if you don't bring your own food and drinks, but the theatre encourages you to bring your cooler. The bathrooms are by the concession stand, the building has probably been around since the theatre opened in 1966, but if you hover you will be ok (or you could get a Go-Girl, I really want one of these, but that is another post) There is a pretty modern playground by the concession stand for the kids. Safety first, it isn't the best area of Las Vegas and there are alot of cars, so watch your kids if you go.

Our set up in the back of the jeep before the boys got in it and spilled lemonade all over everything. Next time I want to have just a grown up night at the Drive-In, who wants to come with us? No, I don't want to see SAW 987 or whichever one is out now.

Brain Fog

I am experiencing brain fog right now, I have started a diet plan from my doctor and as my body gets used to the changes, I am finding that my brain is moving slowly, so slowly, I think molasses moves faster than my brain this morning.

I am allowed to drink caffeine but I am trying to moderate that, today I fell off the wagon and drank 1/2 a rockstar. I can drink coffee with non-dairy creamer and splenda but I am not a huge coffee fan, that is what happens when you worked for a coffee shop and drank your lifetime allotment in 4 months. I also can't stand the smell of coffee grounds and bleach, it is like experiencing a war flashback, I could hide under a desk and cry at the thought of another strung out coffee drinker yelling at me because I didn't drizzle the carmel the way they wanted it into their macchiato.

I digress, so the brain fog, today I felt like I had a white noise machine running in my brain all day. Every time I tried to concentrate on anything the white noise got in the way, I found myself sitting, starring off into space and daydreaming. Daydreaming is something I haven't done since I was quite a bit younger, I physically had to shake my head out of the clouds. It was so hard to get motivated and I remember why I started mainlining caffeine to begin with. I had to take the Rapscallion to the grocery store to pick up something for dinner and I made myself a little promise that if I got up and put on a clean shirt I would reward myself with a sugar-free rockstar (my doctor would like me to limit the amount of diet soft-drinks I consume) I drank half of it when I got home and I started to feel human again. I have the other half in the fridge and like a true addict I will probably drink it tomorrow morning, no matter how flat and terrible it tastes.

Of course since I was experiencing brain fog the Rapscallion woke up at 4:30 a.m. his friends dad had promised to take the boys to a BMX track to watch some of the local guys race. I didn't want to rain on his parade but I haven't seen anyone in this family wake up before 10 in the morning on most days. They are nice people, just not morning people and certainly not up at the butt crack of dawn like Dear Hubby and the Rapscallion. On most mornings the Rapscallion is up at 7, over summer vacation nothing has changed and I have had to restrain him from going to his friends houses to see if they can come out and play until 9:30 in the morning. This morning the Rapscallion was up at 4:30 asking if he could get dressed in case friends "Dad calls, I want to be ready" they were supposed to call at 7:30 if they were going to go and finally at 8 I let him go over to see if they were awake and of course they weren't. He was disappointed but unfortunately the Rapscallion is accustomed to people making promises and backing out on them so he took it in stride. It was a long day, here's hoping tomorrow is better!

Surprise!

I love how fresh and fruity this one turned out!












Those flower stickers were on clearance, I love the way they look painted on!
























These cards are so much fun!

I have been making some handmade cards to mail out, I love getting something in the mail that isn't junk mail or another bill. I started out making a thank-you card for the Rapscallions teacher but I didn't take a picture of that one. After that I was on a roll and having a blast as I thought about each friend and where their card would travel. I took the Rapscallion with me to buy stamps, I needed 5 international stamps and 1 Canadian stamp, it was fun to tell him about the places the cards were going to go.

This is just a few of the ones I made, I hope to make even more this week to send out.