Dr. S, my sarcastic, awesome OB had told me around 36 weeks that my little one was measuring 2 weeks ahead. I could have told him that, I was huge! I know that ultrasound measurement can be inaccurate so it was taken with a grain of salt but after all those months I was ready to have my little one in my arms and no longer in my stretch marked, sore, gigantic belly.
I walked, I used a yoga ball, I ate eggplant Parmesan, I did everything I was comfortable with to bring my little one here as soon as she was ready (and not one second sooner) I was ready but then, I wasn't ready. I was scared, I was doubtful of my ability to be a good mother (even though I know I am a wonderful mother already) I was hormonal. I was a mess.
At my 38 week appointment I had another ultrasound. It showed my little one was still measuring ahead and it also revealed that she was very, very low on amniotic fluid. He could only find two pockets one around her face and one around her back. He was worried about her and wanted her to arrive the next day.
I chose to have a c-section, basically I was not willing to put my little one in any danger by forcing an induction. She wasn't far enough down into my pelvis for my doctor and I to think that an induction would even be successful. We discussed infant mortality rates, complications and emergencies. In a perfect world I would have loved to have her come naturally but I am comfortable with my choice and appreciate that the option was there.
I left his office with an appointment for 2 p.m. the next day at the same hospital I stayed in during my treatment for MRSA. I was not thrilled, I didn't want anything from that time in my life to cloud what should be the joy of my daughters birth but it did. The hospital didn't complete it's paperwork the summer before so I was listed as still having an active case of MRSA, I found this out when the charge nurse in Labor and Delivery triage yelled it to my primary nurse (HIPPA anyone?) even though I had completed all my treatments and taken my recovery very seriously the hospital had to treat me like I was still active and potentially contagious.
Everyone who came into contact with me had to wear PPE (personal protective equipment) gowns, gloves, hairnets, masks. All the precious first pictures of my daughter are forever tainted with memories of the lowest point in my life because the hospital is incapable of keeping accurate, up to date records.
Sorry for the tangent, I was prepped and wheeled into the delivery room and delivered a healthy baby girl at 3:45 p.m. on June 8th. She came into the world at 8 pounds 7 ounces and measuring 19-3/4 inches long. She cried and I felt surreal. They showed her to me and I kissed her cheek before she had to be taken so I could be closed up.
I chose a c-section to protect her but it was the worst experience for me. Right after my child was born she was taken from me and I was forced to wait in recovery for almost 3 hours because they had to clean a room for me. I was anxious, beginning to get sore, scared, alone and sad. I was alone, a nurse would come in and out but basically I was alone and I wanted to be with my baby. Finally I was taken to a room in the Maternity Ward, my family was waiting in all their PPE and I was at last allowed to hold my Madeline Adele. I cried, I was exhausted, we tried breastfeeding. My best friend came in and laughed when I apologized for my boob hanging out. Mom, Dad, Michael, my sister and brother in law, my cousin, it was all a wonderful blur of hugs and pictures and love.
And then everyone left and it was just us. Just our little family and just beginning the worst hospital stay. One of the drugs I was given for pain has a side effect of dysphoria, basically it is the last thing a brand new mother should ever have to feel. During the night when my little one wouldn't latch on right away and I am crying because I feel like a failure already, I am loopy enough to consider going to String Cheese Incident concert and the only person there to help is Michael. I decided that IF we ever decide to do this again it will be on my terms. The rest of my hospital stay just confirmed that.
Somewhere between the terrible food, inability to get water when I asked for it, extra days because of my little ones jaundice, the rude nurses, the nurse who forgot about me and was well over an hour late with my pain meds and then yelled at me because she was with patients until my pediatrician came into the room and found me crying to my sister, in which case he got the charge nurse and I was finally given my IBUPROFEN (I wasn't just drug seeking, I had just had abdominal surgery!!!) being treated like a drug seeker every time I was due pain meds (they were never just given, I had to ask for them every single time) everyone having to gown up because I was still considered to be in isolation. The only ray of light I had was Michael, he was beyond amazing! I changed one diaper my whole time in there and he is a master swaddler! Dr. S brought some humor when he told the charge nurse to shove it because he wasn't wearing the PPE and since he had been "elbow deep inside her (me)"
Being in isolation meant that when my little one was diagnosed with jaundice and ordered to be under the billi lights for 24 hours (although no one told me how long they would be taking her when they first came to me and told me she had jaundice) I couldn't go to the nursery to feed her, they brought her to me every 3 hours for 30 minutes so I could feed her. I cried for half an hour before they brought her to me and half an hour after they took her from me. They also supplemented her with formula to help the jaundice but I felt so uninformed. I didn't get to see a lactation consultant until my second day in the hospital.
I watched The Business of Being Born before giving birth to my little one and at the time I didn't think that I was cut out for a natural or home birth but after my experiences I have learned that I should have been much more knowledgeable and more demanding about what I wanted to happen. I wish I had spent less time reading pregnancy book and read more about breast feeding. I wish I had attended a Le Leche League meeting before giving birth. I wish I had educated myself further I wish I had researched more about a Doula because I am disappointed that I didn't have a wonderful birth experience but in the end, I got my wonderful little girl and it was all worth it.
I can't begin to tell you how wonderful she is but I will try, give me time!
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