Color Me Bad

I am down another 1/2 pound this week, I am not losing weight fast, I hope that means that I will be able to keep it off. Slow and steady...

I thought of the reasons that I have had trouble losing weight, I almost feel like when I take a pound off I uncover another issue that needs to be dealt with. This week I uncovered my propensity to reward myself with food, when things are stressed or I feel slighted, I feel I deserve to eat something unhealthy but tasty. How backwards is that? When I am feeling low I feel like I deserve to eat something that will only continue the cycle.

I need to make a list of things that I enjoy doing that I can reward myself with when I am feeling slighted, because trust me no one feels more slighted in a family than the stepmom. I enjoy reading but that isn't always a reward, for me it is almost a compulsion. I cannot imagine not reading everyday. I enjoy hot baths but my tub takes so long to fill and I get bored so quickly I feel terrible about filling the tub up for only a few minutes. I used to enjoy taking showers in the dark when I was a kid, I guess I just need to get over the obstacle that is dealing with my hair after a shower.

I want to enjoy taking a walk, but I find it hard to get the motivation to go out by myself. I have a bike I could ride but Vegas wasn't designed for bikers and in the area of town I live in... I don't have a death wish. Maybe I should look into getting a coloring book and just color, it is hard to feel bad coloring a picture.

"...Sinner"

I think I have firmly established that I am not perfect, in fact I am far from it but I received the above message from someone that stung a little. I know I should not care what other people think but sometimes I do, there was a time when I lived my life with more consideration of what people thought and since this message came from someone that knew me well during that time I guess I am a little more sensitive about it. The humor is this person doesn't know the beginning of my transgressions, they were making a statement based solely on my body art and their prejudice against it.

My path to this place in my life has not been easy, I have struggled with and against myself mostly. I have some things I am not proud of but at the same time I am not ashamed of anything I have had to go through, it has made me who I am and most days I like the woman I am. I wish I hadn't been so stubborn, maybe I would have learned the lessons that life was trying to teach me sooner.

I don't think I am done with this topic, just done for now. I need to contemplate more on why this struck me the wrong way before I can articulate it fully.